Relationships : My wife had an affair

Q: Recently I discovered that my wife had an affair for four months.

She admitted it when I confronted her. She claimed that she still loved me and begged me not to leave her.



Since then she has been behaving, hurrying home after work to cook my favourite dishes.

Despite all her niceness, I find it difficult to accept her again into my life. I find her a total stranger. I can’t bring myself to trust her anymore.

Every time I try to become intimate, it reminds me of her with the other man and then I freeze off. I would then feel very upset.

We have been married five years with two children.

I have thought of divorce but the welfare of my children pulled me back.

At times I feel pointless to continue the way we are. I just can’t bring myself to love her as much as I did before. Please tell me what I should do.

Troubled

A: You can’t go on like this. If you can’t bear to touch her or trust her, there’s no point dragging on a marriage for the sake of the children. They will still suffer.

Either forgive her or get a divorce.

However, you must realize that your pain is still raw and the wounds unhealed. As such when you are still reeling from the betrayal of her affair, it’s difficult to put love on the right prospective.

Your ego is battered. Your pride brutally bruised. Not only you feel cheated, fooled but also hurt. You may even feel a failure and blame yourself.

Try to calm down first no matter what. Allow yourself time to consider feelings and consequences.

And so until you are emotionally prepared to either make a break or accept the situation, do not force yourself to make a decision.

You must be fair and honest. Seek a solution, bearing in mind not to shake out more blame and recriminations. When you are ready, have a talk with your wife.

The main point should be to find out why she had the affair or what went wrong with your marriage and make sure you do not discuss the affair.

Were you too busy for each other? Did boredom and predictability set in too soon? Were there tension and stress that weren’t soothed and which had eventually built up to frustration and resentment?

Why did she seek love and companionship outside a marriage? There can be many reasons. It could be because of problems in the marriage that had long been ignored and neglected.

Now could be the time to find out why, to right the wrongs.

Your wife is sorry and suffering. She has made a mistake and would probably regret the rest of her life.

It’s a pity that two loving people allow themselves to lose so much from a moment of weakness; a marriage, children and a lifetime of happiness together.

Source : New Sabah Times