Relationships : I am torn between my boyfriend and a best friend

Q: I don’t get to meet my boyfriend often because he has to work most time.

Neither he nor I mind that, as we both understand and our love is getting stronger. We have been together five years. In a year or two when he can be freer, we plan to marry.



The problem now is my best friend who doesn’t have a boyfriend. She always wants to see me the same time when I meet my boyfriend.

To make it fair, I would choose the time when my boyfriend was working to meet her. I even planned a surprise birthday for her recently.

That doesn’t seem enough for her. She complained that she had no place in my heart and that for me my boyfriend comes first.

I have tried to include her in outings with my boyfriend. That had not worked out because both of them wanted to spend time with me alone.

I tried to talk it out with them but neither understood and we ended up quarrelling.

As much as I love my boyfriend, I treasure my friendship with my best friend and I don’t want to lose either of them.

Our friendship is no longer the same because of this. I feel that we are drifting apart. I want things with her to be like before. But how?

I am torn between my boyfriend and a best friend. What’s the best way out?

Torn

A: Of course, you must choose your boyfriend over a good friend, especially when you have so little time with him. Better than to hold you with such guilt, a true friend should understand.

But unfortunately your best friend doesn’t. Instead she appears to be selfish and immature. She would not feel she has lost a place in your heart, if she has not also suffered deep insecurities.

So, the problem could lie with her being single without someone to love and care for her. It seems that she has only you.

Because she is a best friend and has shared much with you over the years, she would have developed strong possessive feelings. Those natural feelings make her feel threatened by you having a boyfriend.

Even though that is not unnatural, try to understand that you are both young adults with different emotional needs. Before you drive each other crazy, you need to make a few things clear with her.

You have to explain to her that time with your boyfriend is precious. Tell her you have tried hard to juggle your time to spend time with her. Tell her that because she is still your best friend her accusations and behaviour are hurting you.

You have to tell the truth for it to work. She has to realize that you can no longer share everything with her.

You have grown up and need time and space, love and marriage and a future that will space her out even more.

She ought to also understand that true friends don’t need total time together. Because you are close, you should be able to pick up where you left off each time you meet.

Most of us have friends we don’t meet for years but when we do nothing seems to have changed.

That is when we have the wonderful joy of reunion and we would share good times catching up.

As we recognize that we all have our own lives to live, time apart never changed these friendships, as we share a love that fears no boundaries of time and distance. We are always there for each other.

Your best friend and you can do the same. She should not fight it as it’s a natural progression of life.

Source : New Sabah Times